MONKEY DOES A RUNNER

NEW DUBLIN JERSEY

THE FINAL FRONT EAR(S)

As hearing aids go, they don't come better than this. Meet Yoda, the two-year-old moggie who was born with four ears. Valerie and Ted Rock took him under their wing when they spotted him as a kitten sitting on a pub bar. 'We'd just lost a cat of 20 years, and we were sure we were done with cats,' said Mrs Rock, 65. 'But when Yoda was passed round and he crawled up to Ted's neck and fell asleep - Ted was a goner.' The US couple, from Chicago, had him microchipped and keep him indoors because they were worried he might be stolen. Mrs Rock added: 'We've had people ask if we had his ears cut to look this way. But they're all natural.'

DONALD IS THAT A SNAKE UP YOUR TROOSERS...

There's a reason the saying 'never work with children or animals' was coined, as a terrified TV weatherman found out. Weatherman Kurtis Gertz put on a fixed-yet-terrified grin as a python started to slither inside his shorts on US television. It had all started so well. The KCCI-TV presenter first appeared with the 10ft long creature around his shoulders as he reported from the Iowa State Fair last week. But the giant Burmese python, called Dawn, had other ideas. First her head inched towards Gertz's face and made to kiss him. Then, she made her way up his leg. To make matters worse for a terrified Gertz, the whole thing was being broadcast live. He joking said: "Hey, that was a hot, wet kiss." But it was then that Dawn decided to get a bit more frisky and as he continued to hold the snake its tail crawled up Gertz shorts and down the other leg. "This is Dawn and she might have a crush on you," said Nick, the snake's trainer. Thinking this might be the end, Gertz said: "It's been a great 20 years in television, God bless." A clearly panicked Gertz in a bid to get producers to move on with another item said: "OK, let's go to stupid human tricks. Let's see you top this one." He was quickly rescued by snake's trainer and co-anchor Steve Karlin who helped unwind the amorous Dawn.

GOOD NEWS: WE FOUND YOUR VAN...

BUGGER OFF & EAT SOMETHING ELSE

One of two cows which fled an abattoir in northern France was found 'hiding' in a drain. It was rescued – from the drain, at least, if not the abattoir.

IS THAT A TORNADO COMING TOWARDS?

WHERE WOULD YA SEE THE LIKES OF THAT?

THIS COULD BE THE ANSWER TO OUR PUBLIC TRANSPORT PROBLEMS...

OUTER SPACE ANYONE?

MONKEYS ON ICE ANYONE?

VOTE CORK

FOUND IT!

AT LAST NEXT TIME YR STUCK HERE WITHOUT ONE YOU NOW KNOW WHERE TO GO EH!!

NOT HAPPY

This Chihuahua, wearing small boots and a sweater, is clearly not a happy camper and it's not just because of the cold but more because of the questionable style imposed by his no doubt highly amused owners. One day, the dogs will rise up against us. And then we will be made to pay for the crimes of taste we have committed against them. Mark my words...

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

Spanish sport's poor reputation for insensitivity towards racial issues has been further harmed by an advertisement in which the country's Beijing Olympic basketball teams make slit-eyed gestures. The pictures, used in a promotion for a courier company that sponsors the Spanish Basketball Federation, took up a full page of the popular sports daily Marca. Both the men's and women's teams posed in separate images, striking the pose in a campaign aimed at supporting the Spanish basketball efforts in China. Although no offence was intended by either the players or the Spanish federation, the advertisement is unlikely to be viewed kindly at a time when the Spanish Olympic committe is pursuing a bid to stage the Games in 2016. Spanish sport has been placed under severe scrutiny for a number of recent incidents, including the monkey chants aimed at England's black football players by football fans at a November 2004 friendly international in Madrid, for which the Spanish football federation was fined by world governing body Fifa. Former national team coach Luis Aragones also caused controversy by remarks about France striker Thierry Henry. Last year, a small number of Formula One fans targeted British driver Lewis Hamilton during a testing day at Barcelona's Circuit de Catalunya.

PARIS FOR PREZ!

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

WOULD YOU VOTE FOR THIS MAN?

DON'T LAUGH...

We've all had days like this, when basic tasks become unfathomably hard, and the more something goes wrong the less you understand why it's going wrong. You're ambling down the street perfectly normally, when all of a sudden your brain goes all fuzzy and you forget how to walk properly, and you end up splayed against the plate-glass shopfront of Guineys with middle-aged ladies pointing at you. Or you can't remember how yoghurt works, and find yourself trying to punch your way into a Müller Fruit Corner before scooping it out with your phone.
Or, as in this case here, a simple escalator turns into a puzzle of nightmarish proportions.
The good thing is that, when it's happened to us, nobody's put the CCTV video of it up on the internet. Well, not yet, anyway.

COP A LOAD OF THIS LADIES

A dress which can transform its wearer from smart office worker to demure party girl and back again is set to solve wardrobe dilemmas for young professionals. The Work to Flirt dress could become a must-have outfit for every girl-about-town, according to DatingDirect.com which unveiled the design. Clever tailoring and design features transform the dress to expose a little more cleavage, a shorter, sexier skirt and split and a flash of back cleavage. Designer Tansy Hamley, who created the prototype which has yet to go on sale in shops, said: "The dress has been really well received, with women saying that it absolutely takes the hassle out of planning their date outfits. Many have joked that it helps them transform in a Superman style make-over. "Due to the hectic lifestyles that we are all leading these days, I believe that in the future more fashion will be focused on two-in-one versatile outfits that can be altered to suit different occasions." HAVE TO SAY I APPROVE, PARTICULARLY OF THE MODEL...

TOP STUFF AUSSIES!

An Australian brewery has withdrawn a beer advertisement that riled monarchists by poking fun at the campaign to make Australia a republic. Philip Benwell, a leading monarchist, said the Adelaide-based brewer had used its advertising to sell a political message. "Why couldn't the advertisement have begun: Forget the republic?" Mr Benwell, chairman of the Australian Monarchist League, said. "We take a lot of things in good humour, but this one we felt was too much of a political statement and therefore we lodged a formal protest." The century-old debate about whether Australia should have a president to replace the British monarch as its head of state is a divisive issue that culminated in a referendum in 1999 that overwhelmingly supported the constitutional monarchy. The debate has been revived with the election in November of Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, a republican. His predecessor, John Howard, had been a staunch monarchist who republicans argued was instrumental in the failure of the 1999 referendum. But advertising writer and communications consultant Jane Caro said the monarchists had hurt their own cause by demonstrating that they lacked a sense of humour. "Everyone who doesn't have a sense of humour says anything that's really funny goes too far," Miss Caro told Australian radio. "I think the monarchists should apologise to us all for making the world a little duller," she added. TO WHICH I SAY: YOU GO GIRL!

AND YES THEY DO SHIT IN THE WOODS...

GOTTA LOVE THEM CANADIANS! JUST WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOOT!

NARCOLEPTIC DOG - POOR THING!

TRANSLATIONS

This is brilliant. Due to the upcoming Olympics restaurants in Beijing have
been translating their names into English in an attempt to attract more
tourists. One restaurant owner went online and translated his restaurant
name. He took the result and ordered a huge billboard to attract customers.

DANCING FILIPINO PRISONERS BACK IN ACTION

Hey, remember the jail in the Philippines where the inmates do those big choreographed dance routines to brighten up their incarceration? Sure you do. Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center. They did that version of Thriller. You basically couldn't switch on the internet this time last year without someone going "HEY HAVE YOU SEEN THIS OMG WTF LOL".

Well, they just did another one. This time up: Macarena. With an endorsement from Macarena-spawning one-hit-wonders Los del Rio themselves. These prisoners are going big time.

IMAGINE PLAYING THIS LITTLE PIGGIE...

Pianists, typists and tailors might all look on green with envy at Haramb Ashok Kumthekar, of Goa in India, who has six digits on each hand and seven digits on each feet. But for Heramb, 22, it means he cannot even wear a pair of simple flip-flops, nor can he find a pair of gloves that fit his hands in the winter. Even more frustrating is the fact that Heramb does not even hold the official Guinness world record for most digits on a person because some of his fingers are technically attached, even though they have separate bones. The official Guinness honour belongs to his fellow countryman Devendra Harne, a 13 year old boy from Kolkota, who has 12 fingers and 13 toes on his feet. However, there is some consolation for Heramb as he is included in the Indian equivalent of the Guinness Book of Records, the Limca Book of Records. Heramb, who is currently studying for a Masters in Business Management at his college in the western Indian town of Pune, has always seen his extra digits as something to be proud of. "I am happy about it because I have something that others don't have," says Heramb. And showing a full understanding of that old maxim 'Use what you've got' , Heramb goes on to say, "I never had a problem with it and after I get publicity I will be famous because of it." Heramb's extra digits are caused by the medical condition polydactlyism, which translates from the Greek for "many fingers". The congenital condition occurs in one in every 500 births and famous holders of extra digits include the beheaded ex-wife of Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, who was rumoured to have an extra finger on her left hand. Indeed, Heramb shares the condition with one of his idols, the Bollywood superstar Hrithik Roshan. Roshan, 34, who is one of Indian cinema's rising stars, boasts one extra digit on each hand. Because of the sheer number of digits he has Heramb does not have the requisite amount of nerve endings available to feel all his fingers and toes. Aware of his extra digits, but unable to move them, the awkwardness this causes has led to some friendly jibes from his friends. "My friends sometimes kiddingly say that my hands and feet resemble that of an alien," he laughs. Regardless, Heramb, who lives with his mother Seeta, 49, clearly sees his oddity as a gift rather than a curse.

MEET THE VAN-CAKE

Andy Saunders and three friends converted the 7ft 8ins high VW Camper into a 3.3ft high version in just three days. The "Van-Cake" is fully roadworthy and can reach speeds of 80mph, but is so small that it could be driven under car park barriers. Mr Saunders, who converted the vehicle for a contest at a motoring festival, can be seen driving around his home town of Poole in Dorset in the van with his head sticking out of the roof. "The challenge was to build the world's lowest van in just three days," he said. "We were up at 6am and worked for three full days - it was the hardest thing I've ever done. "It is roadworthy, does about 80mph and you could throw mattress in the back and sleep in it. "We've applied to the Guinness Book of Records and they've indicated this is the world's lowest van." The friends had to cut away 4.5ft of roof, put in a new steering system, lower the seat, move the handbrake and the gear stick and replace the fuel tank. The biggest problem was having to deal with a 14in overlap when they tried to put the roof back on because of the tapering of the van's sides. "At the Bug Jam festival we had an audience for every moment we were working on it and buy the end there were 1,000 people watching," Mr Saunders, 45, said. The 1980 Type 25 camper cost £1,000 and had 70,000 miles on the clock when transformed.

SADLY TOO TRUE!

HEE HEE HEE! SERVES HIM RIGHT...TOO SLICK BY HALF

INTRODUCING THE WABOBA BALL