Thursday, January 31, 2008
Cork Players To Return To Field Under Certain Conditions
The continuing controversy raging in the Rebel County took on a new twist today ahead of the now in doubt first National League match scheduled for this weekend. In an alleged statement released just after lunchtime the Cork Senior Inter County Footballers and Hurlers have indicated that they would retake the playing field in the red jersey if the following ten conditions were met;
1. All inter-county players receive an apology from the Cork County Board for the embarrassment caused to the People of Cork for this "Laurel & Hardy" mess.
2. That all Cork matches home and away are played in Páirc Uí Chaoimh and no away supporters allowed admission to the ground.
3. The GAA rename the Sam Maguire Cup the Jack Lynch Cup.
4. The Kerry football team will play in the Ulster Championship instead of the Munster championship.
5. The Cork Hurling team get automatic qualification to the All-Ireland semi-final every year.
6. The sixth condition has been omitted for fear of any future litigation proceedings....
7. The government declare Cork city the official Capital of Ireland.
8. All future managers of the Cork teams have to undergo rigorous Psychological Assessment & in-depth Personality Profiling to see if they are up to the job. (This will take the form of having to spend hours locked in a room listening to Donal Og Cusack & Sean Og OHalpin, if they survive this they will be considered)
9. Each player is to get 4 packets of Walkers Cheese & Onion and 2 bottles of 7-up after each match.
10. Frank M. is to keep his job if he desists with the embarrassing comb-over.
The Labour Relations Chief Executive allegedly commented that "these demands seemed reasonable but that the only sticking point could be Frank M.'s hair".