Thursday, January 10, 2008
How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky". "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Sport."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be: email@example.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
Dont use any punctuation
Use, too...much; punctuation!
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
Sing along at the opera.
Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like that.